Mulan, The KakuHida Version Ch1
by XSeveranceX
Summary: You've seen Mulan...now imagine, What if Hidan from Naruto Shippuden was in her place INSTEAD? What would happen to the little Jashinist? How would he react to the army, and what kind of twist will happen with the characters in the story? Read to find out


Mulan I (A Hidan and Kakuzu Story)

Chapter 1

_For so long, Hidan has wished to honor his family by bringing home a beautiful woman, to whom he can marry, but as things normally go, he fails. By shaming his family's honor, Hidan feels he will never become the strong, courageous, and wise son his family has always wanted. However, as time goes on and his father receives a letter of importance that he has been drafted to join the army, Hidan must take hold of his inner courage, swallow his doubt and rush right into fill his father's spot secretly. The problem is that things may not be as easy as Hidan thinks they'll be…_

The night was silent and still. To still. The only sound you could hear were the distant, gentle rustles of the flags as the wind lightly played with them knocking them back and forth. The male warrior walked along his section of the Great Wall upon which he was posted for that night. He walked as quietly as possible as if to make sure he could even hear the breath of an approaching enemy. However, nothing moved. He stood in his same position for just a few more moments breathing in the chilled night air, before watching himself exhale it again, the bit of exhaled air, appearing more like a cloud of smoke than an actual breath. He scanned this end of his post for just another second, when he heard a loud screeching in the night, His helmet was soon, roughly knocked from his head, by a large falcon who landed on the tip of a flag pole. It stared down at him with merciless, bright yellow eyes that held death in their wake.

The falcon and the man simply stared at each other until the bird released another bloodcurdling screech. This time, it was followed by a loud scratching of something hitting against the wall, and holding onto it. The warrior turned his attention away from the falcon, to walk over to the mysterious black, hand-looking object. The warrior soon realized that it was a grappling hook! His only thought was of which enemy was trying to gain entrance to the wall and country at this time of night? He looked over the edge to where he was almost hit right in the head by hundreds of other grappling hooks suddenly being thrown into the air by an unknown source and catching the wall. The warrior backed away from the wall quickly, before turning to run to his small signal tower to light the fire that would be the alarm.

He yelled as he went.

"Light the signal!" he screamed in the cold night air. "We're under attack!"

He was almost to the door, when two giant figures opened it by slicing it to splinters. They each gave him a wicked smile, turning their blades to point right at his throat. The startled warrior jumped around them to the wooden ladder that was to the right of the door. The two giant monsters easily smashed the weak wood with their swords, leaving the warrior barely hanging onto the top flat edge of the signal tower. He used up most of his strength to climb into the top, grabbing a torch and running to the enormous container of oil. He was stopped in his tracks by another ruthless, vile, giant stepping up onto the other side of the tower, the evil falcon now perched on his shoulder. The new giant only smirked at the man with disgusting satisfaction. The warrior returned his look with a fierce expression, gritting his teeth as he threw the torch into the flask of oil, lighting it brightly between the two. The giant monster of a man on the other side looked to the see the other towers soon lighting all their signals as well and the lights continued until you couldn't see them in the distance anymore. All the way down the wall, they glowed brightly alerting the others that there was an enemy here.

The giant looked back to the young warrior, whose face was still the same.

"Now all of China knows you're here!" the warrior stated through clenched teeth.

The giant, in reply to his action, simply grabbed a nearby flag on the corner of the tower, snapping the wood fairly easily; he pulled it over to let the soft fabric burn brightly in the ever growing fire. The warrior's face turned to total shock as the man smiled at him and uttered one word.

"Perfect."

...

Early the next morning the General of China's army entered the emperor's palace treading quickly along the ruby red carpet as he went. The giant golden doors slowly opened as they approached the emperor sitting upon a golden throne, the great stone dragon statues placed on either side of him. His whole entire thrown room reflected gorgeous crimson reds and brilliant golds. It made his majesty stand out all the more, in the tanned clothes he wore. His long silver beard, neatly combed, reached his lap as he sat watching the warriors approach him.

"Your majesty," the general began. He was flanked on either side by two warriors. They were all crouched on the ground bowing their heads to the emperor. "The Huns have crossed our northern border."

A look of fear, and authority passed across the emperor's face. His weak, annoying advisor, stood behind his cushioned thrown looming over the emperor's actions as the warriors spoke. His advisor was dressed in a fine sapphire uniform, a simple sapphire hat perched stupidly upon his ugly, boney head. He gasped as the news was spoken. It was then he straightened, writing down what was occurring as he went.

"That's impossible!" He shouted in his weasel like voice. "No one can get through the Great Wall!"

The emperor held up his hand to silence the annoying pest.

"Shan Yu is leading them." The General spoke, his voice steady and serious.

The emperor said nothing but he closed his eyes before opening them again, a look of ferocity in them.

"We'll set up defenses around your palace immediately!" the general spoke again.

"No," the emperor ordered standing as he did so. His tall figure made him look all the more authoritative. "Send your troops to protect my people!"

"Chi Fu," The emperor continued, this time addressing his advisor directly.

"Yes, your highness?" The little pest answered back.

"Deliver conscription notices throughout all the provinces, call up reserves, and as many new recruits as possible!" The emperor said as he approached the general who was still squatted on the floor in front of the small fleet of stairs that lead to the throne.

"Forgive me, your majesty, but I believe my troops can stop him." The general interrupted standing to meet the emperor's eye level.

"I won't take any chances, General." The emperor stated plainly, his face still fierce. "A single grain of rice can tip the scale, one man may be the difference between victory and defeat…"

…

"Courageous, allure, strong and polite, fearsome, uplifting, wise, dominating!" Hidan happily said as he wrote the personality traits he was supposed to know for the matchmaking woman. He had been eating his breakfast of rice, talking to himself about the personality traits, and writing them all morning. He had finally finished the work of words on his right forearm, just when the rooster crooned.

"Ai ya!" He shouted as he jumped up from his bed. He was going to be late again!

"Little brother!" He shouted throughout the house. As he blow dried the new lettering upon his arm. "Little brother!" He rushed through a nearby curtain, plainly stepping over the dog which he couldn't see.

"Little brother!" He called again. The dog's ear twitched but he remained asleep. "Lil- there you are you damn dog!" He said as he bent down to lift the little dog to his feet. He turned the dog to face the open doorway, all the while cooing to the little thing.

"Who's the smartest dog in the world? That's my damn smart dog! Can you help me with my chores today, boy?" Hidan tied a large sack of grain to the dog's stomach before adding another stick which held a bone just high enough that the dog couldn't reach. The dog barked madly, running to the doorway, before he hit the side of the door face first. Hidan laughed to himself before uttering a quiet 'dumbass'. The dog stepped out the door and was on his way spreading the grain in random patterns all around the farm. The chickens soon jumped upon it, pecking quickly as they went, in order to collect all the deliciousness. Little Brother soon was climbing the hill where Hidan's father had started to pray to the ancestor's.

He had bowed on the floor to the ancestors before speaking his prayer.

"Please ancestors, let Hidan impress the matchmaker today." Little brother entered at this time, still barking loudly and dragging a path of grain all around Hidan's father. Hidan's father sighed as he watched the reluctant chickens jump in and eat the now scattered grain within the shrine.

"Please, please, help him." The father spoke again.

Hidan was bringing tea to his father, within the miniature temple. He passed Little Brother, bringing the hanging bone down so the dog could finally chew it in peace. He stepped inside the temple, where he ran face to face with his father, who made him drop the cup and tray which he held, (also causing him to utter a dignified 'shit' under his breath) and made the teapot fly up and land on his father's walking stick.

"Hidan." His father spoke, his face confused as to why his son was still here.

"Don't worry, I brought a spare." Hidan said digging in his pocket to bring out another small teacup.

"Hidan." His father called again.

"Remember, the doctor said three cups of tea in the morning and three at night." Hidan continued babbling as his father spoke his name a third time.

"Hidan, you should already be in town." His father said giving him a sincere smile. "We are counting on you-"

"To uphold the family honor." Hidan said giving his father a smile back. "Don't worry Father, I won't let you down." Hidan began sliding his sleeve down over his forearm in which he wrote the answers.

"Wish me luck!" Hidan shouted as he ran down the stairs, past their coy pond and up to his horse corral near their small home.

"Hidan, hurry!" his father shouted after him. His father turned back to enter the temple again after exchanging a quick glance of understanding with the dog. "I'm going to pray some more." He said to himself.

…

The town was quite busy that day as Hidan's mother, Xioujin Mei, awaited him to arrive at the preparation building in which they would bathe and clean Hidan up for his appointment today with the matchmaker. Mei continued staring out into the ruckus of the main road within town wondering if her son would ever get here. Unlike her son, Mei had hair the color of midnight. It's beautiful silken threads were held back in a bun out of her face, as her dark chocolate eyes continued scanning the road for any signs of Hidan's approach.

"Xioujin Mei is your son here yet?" the preparation manager called out from behind her. She had come out from the preparation building to see if the boy was there yet. She held open the curtain while placing an annoyed hand on her hip. "The matchmaker is not a patient woman." She plainly stated before walking back inside the building.

"Of all days to be late! I should have prayed to the ancestors for luck!" Mei said desperately to herself. Unfortunately, her grandmother over heard her.

"How lucky can they be?" her grandmother said giving her a look of annoyance. "They're dead. Besides I've got all the luck we'll need." She said holding up a wooden insect carrier that held a blue-bellied cricket with a violet head. Mei gave her grandmother a look of hope, as her grandmother whispered to the cricket.

"This is your chance to prove yourself." She said quietly. The cricket seemed to shake its head like it understood her. Her grandmother then placed a hand over her eyes, before stepping out into the ridiculous oncoming traffic of giant horses, oxen, carts, mules, and carriages. There was a loud crash, followed by a neigh of a horse and someone screaming 'Ai ye!" before there was lots of dust scattered to form a large cloud and her grandmother had come to a stop on the other side of the road. She turned back to her granddaughter holding up the still contained cricket, and uncovering her eyes.

"Yep!" she shouted proudly over the heaps of wood and crashed carriages. "This cricket's a lucky one!"

The mother sighed until she saw her son approaching on their only mare named Tyheri. He proudly jumped off as he reached his mother, gasping plainly into the air.

"I'm here!" he shouted happily. He then saw his approaching mother eyeing him up and down closely. "What the hell is it?" he plainly stated. He then knew why she was angry.

"But Ma-ma I-"he tried to reason with her but she just wouldn't accept his apology.

"No excuses!" she said, "Now let's get you cleaned up, and language Hidan, don't forget the language!"" She said pushing him through the door, while grandmother led Tyheri away by her reins.

As they entered the house, a mysterious person inside began playing. The manager began singing as she examined Hidan's hair and pushed him towards a type of hiding mechanism in which she undressed him quickly pushing him into the bath.

"This is what you give me to work with, well honey I've seen worse!" she began as she pushed him completely in the now cold water. "We're gunna turn this hog's ear, into a silk purse!"

"It's fucking freezing." He said running his hands over his arms trying to keep himself warm.

"It would have been warm if you were here on time, and once again Hidan, language!" his mother managed to get out as the manager woman poured a giant vase of water over Hidan's silver head. She continued singing as she went.

"We'll have you washed and dried, primed and polished till your glowing soon, just my recipe for instant groom, you'll bring honor to us all!" she sung while she dipped shampoo all over Hidan's head and began scrubbing it in. Meanwhile, his mother had ceased his right forearm and was examining it closely.

"Hidan, what's this?" she asked giving him a confused look.

"Um, notes in case I forget something." He said trying to blink like a little innocent child. His mother shook her head, as his grandmother entered handing her the cricket.

"Hold this." she said. "We'll need more luck than I thought."

Hidan was soon moved to another room but not before he was dressed in a long sleeve white button up shirt and white pants. He sat on a cushion while two women were on either side of him combing out his very long, wild silver hair. They combed roughly as they also sang.

"Wait and see, when we're through, girls will gladly be all over you! With a good body and a great hairdo you'll bring honor to us all!" As the skinnier woman on his left was singing she examined herself and allowed him to see himself in a giant mirror she held. He did look pretty good except for the fact that the white clothes made his extremely pale skin stand out even more than usual. He reached for his Jashin symbol on his chest pressing it to his lips and uttering a prayer to Jashin, his family's personal god they worshipped, that he could bring honor to his family today. The skinny woman moved a hair from out of his eyes before his mother lead him to put on a short sleeve turquoise shirt and lead him outside. They passed by two older men playing shougi. The fat one seemed to be losing while the skinny man played his moves slowly nodding now that his strategy seemed to be winning him the game. Hidan noticed a move that would allow the fat man to win so he moved the piece for him causing the fat man to smile approvingly at him and the skinny man to gasp in shock that his perfect strategy was beaten. His mom continued singing as she lead him down the dirt road.

"Our children bring our family, great honor in one way. By striking a good match and this could be the day!" She sang as she led him into another part of the building where she began dressing him in fancy robes of sapphire, trimmed with gold. There was also a giant golden and ruby dragon that seemed to move across his back whenever the light hit it just right. His mother held him still as another woman skated around him pulling the strings and sash of the robe as she went and making it grow tighter and smaller. They all continued their song as he tried to breathe through the tight robe.

"Girls want men with good tastes. Calm, courageous, who have a gorgeous face. With good breeding and a muscular waist, you'll bring honor to us all." The skating woman sang as she pulled the robe's strings even tighter, his silken outfit now almost suffocating him. His mother lead him outside where he passed by two boys who were both playing with wooden swords, before they spotted a girl who was playing with a doll. They took her doll, attempting to run off. Hidan got their attention and snatched the doll away, giving it back to the little girl, he continued following his mother while the song kept going.

"We honor our emperor who guards us from the Huns, who allows us to bear arms for our giving sons." Hidan walked behind his mother as she continued into yet another room that was the main one. He perched himself upon the pillow as another woman powdered his face in order for him not to look so pale. She and his mother continued the song until it finally ended, and he could not understand the words until his mother finally sang 'you'll bring honor to us all'. She then placed a golden trimmed sword and sheathe into the lining of his sapphire robe. He withdrew the sword to see it gleaming and reflecting his face back at himself. It read in Chinese lettering, 'To the strong and courageous Hidan." It was his sword that had been specially made for him when he came of age. He was finally of age and could wield it proudly. His mother made sure his hair was patted completely back, but she couldn't tame one hair that chose to stay away from the others. So Hidan licked his finger, before curling the loose hair around his finger. The hair curled ever so beautifully. His mother kissed his hair slowly smiling at him.

"There you're ready." She said.

"Not yet." His great grandmother spoke as she approached. She held an apple and a newly polished silver Jashin necklace which had his name now inscribed into the silver.

His grandmother shoved an apple in his mouth just as he was about to say thank you.

"An apple for serenity," she said walking slowly around him. "A pendant for balance." She stuck the pendant in his robe pocket, before continuing on with her own added words to the song.

"Beads of silver for courage, you must proudly show it, and add a cricket for good luck, and even you can't blow it." She said giving him a smirk before tying the cricket's cage under his robe strings and smacking his butt. He gave his great grandmother a crazy look before walking out the door to the path that would lead to the matchmaker's home. He quietly sang to himself as he looked up at the sky. He continued walking, a look of worry crossing his face.

"Ancestors, hear my plea. Help me not to make a fool of me, and to not uproot my family tree, keep my father standing tall. His mother scooted him along to follow the line of men that were walking to the match maker's home. As he struggled to keep up he continued singing to himself.

"Scarier than the undertaker, we are meeting our matchmaker!" He finally reached the line of men and struggled to keep up as they sang another version all their own. He could not make out the words but attempted to copy their actions by placing one hand on the hilt of his sword and the other on the strings and sash of his robe. He marched behind them slowly holding his head high as if to look mighty. Even though he was shorter than all of the other men. He could now make out the final words of their song as they reached the matchmaker's house. He found he was in the very middle of the now horizontal line spread out front her home.

"Please bring honor to us all!" They sang and just as the door to the matchmaker's home opened the men drew their swords and stuck them in the ground, crouching behind them, and bowing their head as they did so. Hidan was slow to realize what they were doing but figured it out just as the overly fat woman stepped onto the patio of her home. She held a list and brush as she scanned the line of men.

"Xioujin, Hidan." She called, still scanning the line of men.

"Present." He said raising himself so she could see him.

"To pale!" she proudly stated before turning to walk inside. Hidan slapped a hand over his eyes, but followed her in his embarrassment.

Hidan's great grandmother leaned over to his mother before muttering what she thought of the woman's attitude.

"Who spit in her bean curd?" Her granddaughter gave her a shocked look as the woman awaited an answer.

They both then watched as Hidan entered the home and the woman slammed the doors behind him.

Inside, the woman scanned Hidan up and down, before making another rude remark about his appearance.

"To skinny." She spoke her voice racking on every single one of Hidan's nerves. So he wasn't perfect who the hell was?

Little did he know that his cricket had managed to push open his wooden cage and escape without anyone knowing. That was until Hidan spotted him on the matchmaker's shoulder and grabbed him ever so lightly as not to alert her as to what was going on. The cricket almost got away again but Hidan caught him within his hands just as the matchmaker, was finishing another insult.

"Being too skinny…" She murmured to herself. "Not good for sex and making children with a woman. Can be a sign of infertility…" Hidan did not hear her but was still attempting to hold the cricket as best he could. He saw the matchmaker turning and quickly placed the cricket in his mouth.

"Recite the final admonition!" she ordered. Hidan drew his sword making sure to place it over his mouth for just a second, enough to spit the cricket out and recite the words he'd tried memorizing.

"Fulfill all duties, calmly and courageously. Reflect before you snack…I mean act! This shall bring you honor and glory…" he sighed as he managed to finish and not completely mess up. The match maker snatched his forearm in her hand, before looking his sword up and down for any signs of his cheating, but found none. She then turned back to him just as he gave her a false smile. She released his forearm, handing him back his sword.

The woman walked over to an awaiting stick that held two buckets. Hidan noticed they were filled to the brim with water, which meant they must be heavy.

"Lift the buckets." She spoke before turning her back on him to move to the other side of a table and sit. She poured herself a cup of tea and was watching him now. "To please your future in-laws," the matchmaker spoke while Hidan watched her. He picked up the buckets, putting them to rest on his shoulders. "You must demonstrate a sense of strength." He watched as the ink that had come from his forearm, was now being rubbed all the way around the matchmakers face as she stroked her chin when she spoke. Hidan almost had a panic attack as he soon noticed he was allowing some of the water to spill, he soon straightened and continued watching the unknowing matchmaker.

"And refinement." The matchmaker continued. "You must also be diligent." It was then Hidan noticed a pair of antenna poking out over the top of the cup. The cricket was basking in the warm tea! Hidan's heart nearly went in his throat. As he watched the woman pick up her cup of tea, bringing it to her nose where she inhaled deeply.

"Um, pardon me…" Hidan said quietly.

"Silence!" the woman ordered. Hidan put down the water quietly before scooting over the table to the woman. He grabbed the cup before she could drink.

"Could I just take this? For a moment…" he then fell backward as the tea cup splashed tea all over the match maker, and confused cricket entered her shirt.

"Why you little…" she spoke approaching Hidan with an evil look. It was then she started to jump and make maniacal noises as the cricket hopped in and out of her shirt in random places causing her to be in a sort of ticklish state. She hopped to and fro before knocking over a small pot of hot coals. She fell rear-first onto the coals before her large behind was set aflame and she was really hopping around attempting to put it out. Hidan picked up a blanket to put it out the fire. However, it only got worse. The burn became a full-fledged flame upon her backside. She screamed and crashed throughout the room making tons of noise.

Meanwhile, outside, the people began to gasp and worry at the immense ruckus coming from within the home. Hidan's mom's face was covered in confusion and worry as her grandmother leaned over to whisper more of her opinion.

"I think it's going well don't you?" Just as she spoke the words, the matchmaker came out screaming at the top of her lungs, her rump aflame for all to see. She was screaming for someone to put it out as she ran in circles flashing it to everyone. Hidan ran back inside, grabbing a bucket of water, and rushed out, throwing it all over her face and body. The now drenched woman held out her hand to receive the bucket as Hidan placed it firmly in her hand, he attempted to walk away calmly with his hand over his face so no one really important would see his shame. The cricket ran out jumping in its cage just as the matchmaker cornered Hidan and his mom in the middle of the crowd.

Her face was swollen with anger and frustration as she screamed at the top of her lungs.

"You are a disgrace! You may look like a groom, but you will never bring your family honor!" Her makeup was now able to be seen as it dripped constantly down her reddened face. She turned, storming back into her home as the crowd dispersed murmuring about what had happened. Hidan's mother and grandmother surrounded him attempting to comfort his already present shame.

He held his head low thinking how much of a fool he was.

….


End file.
